Its 4 am

I can’t sleep and I am running on fumes here. Probably reserve power or some sort. I manage to be closer to God so that is good. Probably there is a reason for me not sleeping. I need to write just to get my mind clear. You know I keep telling myself that it will all work out and I have to trust Him that He has a plan for all of us. But one can’t help be a bit impatient you know. Which is human I guess. After all I am one of them.. but yeah... He knows I would want nothing more than to have the one I want. But He also knows that this is not my time. Can I just say getting clarity is super enlightening I guess and yet frustrating at the same time because you know the answer but you refuse to accept it 😔. I feel lost sometimes. I feel alone. I wish I had someone to talk to about this. But talking without context will always make me feel bad I guess. It’s okay. Writing does help a lot. It helps me put thought into words... and after reading it. It helps me understand clearly. I’ll be fine. What drives me everyday I wake up is hope. Hope that one day I will get what I want. If I don’t. It’s okay. I’ll be really sad but I know I’ll be okay. If I pray so hard can I will it into existence. Probably not. But I do love that in my mind I hope that he is listening to my prayers. One day...  Hope... Love... Despair... seriously I need someone to kick me in the nuts... okay back to praying. Good writing... Have to bring the kids out for swimming in 5 hours. Oh what fun...